mad anthony

Rants, politics, and thoughts on politics, technology, life,
and stuff from a generally politically conservative Baltimoron.

Friday, October 09, 2009


madanthony has been feeling pretty down lately, to the point of talking in the third person. Seriously, especially the last month or so, I've been feeling like nothing seems to be going right, and I'm not really sure how to change it. my outlook on life tends to go up and down as events in my life occur, but of late it's been all on the down side, and most of it seems to be out of my control. There are times pretty much every day where I pretty much just want to cry.

Work - I feel like I'm pretty much doomed to be stuck in the same job forever, and it's a job I don't particularly like much anymore. I was an business major as an undergrad, I have an MBA, but I keep getting more and more technical stuff thrown at me, much of it way out of my league. I'm not getting a whole lot of direction, and it's making me unhappy. The thing is that I can't figure out what I did wrong - I feel like I do a good job, I do everything I'm asked, I got my MBA, and yet it hasn't helped.

dating - still single. Haven't even had a date in a couple months, and online dating is not working out. I had some hope a couple times, but nothing came out of them, and now everything seems to be going more towards hopeless. I feel like there's something horribly wrong with me that just repels women, but I don't know what it is or how to change it.

the parents - both of my parents have been having a bunch of health problems lately. My dad was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis a few months ago, and my mom has a ton of issues with her back, knees, and heart, among other things. My emails from them and weekly phone calls consist mostly of hearing their problems, and I feel bad for them. I feel like I should be doing more to help them, but I'm not sure what, and I'm too selfish to go up and visit them on a regular basis.

my weight - I decided to try to get back to taking weight loss seriously, and made an effort to drop my caloric intake to around 2000 calories and increase my workout to two hours a day. On the plus side, I've dropped 12 pounds. On the con side, I'm completely miserable - I'm too out of shape to make it through my workout without feeling sore and tired, and by the time I get home from the gym, it's often 8:30 or later. I also miss a lot of the foods I enjoyed. I skipped the gym and went out to eat tonight - I had a good time, but I know it's going to kill me diet-wise.

my cat - I'm pretty sure she hates me. She's been meowing frantically every time I'm on my home office PC, but when I'm somewhere she can crawl on my lap she ignores me. I want to get another cat to keep her company, but don't want to go through the whole "getting your cats to not kill each other" phase. Plus I feel like I'll just end up with two cats that hate each other, and me.

Now, I realize that things could be worse. I'm alive, my parents are still alive (even if they aren't in the greatest of shape). I'm in pretty decent health. I'm gainfully employed, even if I find myself dreading most mornings. I have some savings, a paid-off vehicle, I'm able to make the mortgage payments on my house (even though I'm upside down on it and things keep breaking in it), and I haven't hit anyone with my truck in almost a year.

So where do I go from here? I'm not really sure, although I have a few ideas about a few things. I'm very seriously thinking of getting another Master's degree - the college I work for has an Master of Education degree in Educational Technology. It's mostly intended for grade/high school teachers, but I figure it's free, there has to be at least some crossover to higher ed, and hopefully it will make management at work see that I'm someone who wants to self-improve and is interested in the softer, more user-oriented side of technology. Plus it's a good opportunity to interact with people - and lots of women are teachers, and at least some of them are probably single. Which is probably the stupidest reason ever to get a degree, but whatever. I need to make up my mind pretty soon, though - if I want to start in January I need to get my application in by the end of the month.

In terms of dating, I'm seriously thinking about taking a break from online dating. I find it takes a bunch of my time to comb through profiles, and usually leaves me feeling worse when I'm done - either I've looked at a bunch of women I have no interest in, or a bunch of women who have no interest in me. I'm thinking that taking a few months off wouldn't hurt. If I end up going back to school, it's a good excuse to cancel my subscriptions and delete my profiles.

As far as the weight thing, I'm torn - I'm kind of proud of myself, and I think I look better. But the workouts are killing me, and there are some foods I really want to eat. I'll probably keep it up for a while longer, but I think if I drop another 10 pounds or so I might back off. Besides, I'm not sure I want to lose enough weight where I have to buy new clothes. At least I've proven I can do it if I have to. Once again, if I go back to school, I'll have to cut back on the workouts.

So maybe the grad school idea isn't a bad one - it might make me readjust my priorities a little, or at least take up enough of my time that I won't be able to think about being miserable.

My cat will probably hate me even more, though.


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