On dating, or banging my head into the same wall...

So if you are a regular madanthony reader, you are probably wondering "how's that whole online dating thing working out for you?". And if you read the title of this post, you probably already know the answer.

So about 2 months ago I signed up for an eHarmony membership. It was a three-month promo code, which means pretty soon I have to decide if I want to pony up to renew. I probably will (especially if I can find another coupon code...) but that doesn't mean I have a whole lot of faith that anything is going to come out of it.

eHarmony goes in communication "steps", which ends in what they call "open communication" - what normal people would call email. So far, I've communicated with a handful of women, but only one has gone to OC, and it kind of fizzled from there.

The nice thing about eHarmony is that it's easy to communicate - you can start out by sending multiple-choice questions, instead of just a blank email - so it's easy to start or be sent an initial communication. But because it's easy, people start it, or respond to ones they aren't interested in, before eventually deciding to close it.

I don't know if internet dating is going to work for me. I've known people it has, and from a numbers perspective it makes sense - you can get exposed to a bunch of people you aren't likely to see in the meatspace, and that increases your chances of meeting someone.

But it also relies on an ability to sell yourself, and I have trouble with that - I just don't find myself that exciting, and I have trouble coming up with things about myself that would make me all that desirable. I don't have cool hobbies that involve the outdoors or travel to exotic destinations, I don't have a giant big but loveable dog or hours spent volunteering with the poor or a rock band side gig or anything else likely to give my profile extra attention. Shit, I don't even like myself all that much - it's pretty hard to convince someone else that they should spend a bunch of time with me.

I like to think I'm a reasonably fun person to be around, at least when I'm not complaining about my inability to get dates. But that tends to come out more in person, with groups of people I feel comfortable with. On the screen, or one on one, I tend to be more reserved, more nervous, less interesting.

Unfortunately, I don't have a big social circle of available women. I go to a church that does a lot of extracurricular activities (and cafeteria Catholic that I am, I'm not sure a super-faithful church chick would be a great match for me). I work in IT, a male-dominated field, surrounded by college girls I'd get fired if I ever tried to hit on. I'm not the kind of person who talks to women on the street or in the grocery store (and I've always felt the odds of starting a good relationship on the basis of "hey, we both eat food" seems kind of slim. I don't go to bars, mostly because I don't have any friends who go to bars and I have no desire to go to a bar alone - and once again, I'm not sure alcohol is a great basis for a long-term relationship.

I guess I could look into volunteering, although I'm not all that great with kids, probably not much better with pets, and that would probably just introduce me to crazy cat ladies anyway. Not that I'm not turning into crazy cat guy myself.

I can't help but think that had I made different choices about the past - if I'd been chasing skirts 5 years ago, when there were a lot more single women my age - I would have been better off (of course, I was fatter then, so I couldn't do much chasing without getting out of breathe). Of course, wishing I'd done things differently doesn't accomplish anything - time travel is impossible, so I can't change the past. And if I ever do meet someone, my poor choices in the past would be a positive, since without them I probably wouldn't have met that person.

If that person exists. Which I'm not sure they do. So in the meantime, I have little choice but to keep reading profiles, sending out questions, and hoping that if I throw enough darts at the board, one of them will be a bulls-eye - or at least go somewhere near the damn target.