mad anthony

Rants, politics, and thoughts on politics, technology, life,
and stuff from a generally politically conservative Baltimoron.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Should I be happier?

I've been feeling a little down the last couple months. I've found myself getting frustrated over small things. I've gotten somewhat paranoid about the security of my job, thanks to a few joking remarks from management. I know it's stupid - nobody gets fired where I work - ahh, academia - and I've had good performance reviews and stats. I've also been kind of disappointed with myself - my inability to lose a couple more pounds, the fact that I don't make more money, the fact that I'm almost 27 and still single.

There's been times I've been pretty down in the past - fall of '04 comes to mind. What happened then is I started getting busy with grad classes and started focusing on losing weight and didn't really have time to think about stuff. I was also working 6 days a week, which cut into my time to sit and reflect on life and where I was and where I felt I should be. Classes and the jobs I worked in - answering phones and doing in-person classroom support - also forced me to get out and talk to people.

And in that lies my problem. I don't like people. At least, I don't like most people, or I don't really feel comfortable around them, especially if I don't know them. I have a small group of people, mostly coworkers, who I enjoy talking to, but mostly I just don't want to deal with people, not even to say hi or make small talk. I don't know why - I enjoy talking to the people I know well, but I don't know why I don't want to get to know more people.

One of my friends suggested I should talk to a doctor about this. Which might not be a bad idea, except that I don't really have a doctor - the last guy I went to retired, and I haven't bothered to find a new one. Talking to a person I don't know about how much I don't like talking to people I don't know doesn't exactly sound like my idea of fun. But I've looked at the list of signs of social anxiety disorder and there are quite a few I fit into - avoiding social situations, not wanting to talk in front of people, hates talking on the phone, ect.

But I'm not as extreme as many of them. I have given plenty of presentations in my MBA career, and while they didn't always go as well as I would have liked, and while I've developed a bad habit of talking way too fast, I did them, and I didn't shake violently. I don't abuse drugs, nor have I considered suicide (if anything, death scares me - I don't want to die alone, not having left any kind of positive mark on the world).

So I'm thinking I should at least give myself a couple months to see if I can snap myself out of it, like I have in the past. I'm also trying to force myself to go out more, to talk to people, to hopefully realize that they won't bite and that it can enjoyable. I know that clinical depression isn't the kind of thing you snap out of, but I'm not so sure that I am clinically depressed.

On the other hand, I hate that this is supposed to be the time I've been waiting for - it's summer, the weather's nice, work is quieting down, I'm done with the MBA program and don't have classes hanging over my head, I've got my own house and a truck visible from space - and I feel like I'm not enjoying it.


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