EPIC FAIL...

There are some weeks that really put things in perspective - really remind you of what a dark, empty hole your life is. This has been one of those weeks.

Like most of my life, much of it surrounds work, which is pretty much the only thing in my life. Without going into too much detail, we have a fairly large project going on that I have a role in. In the past few months, I've sold myself on a lie - that I'm a hardworking person, the kind of person who is willing to do whatever it takes to get things done, that I might not be the world's smartest person, but I was one of the more reliable. I'm really realizing what bullshit that is - that I have coworkers who are both smart enough to actually solve problems, and hardworking enough to actually spend time working on them while I'm being a pussy and sleeping. It's pretty amazing that I've remained employed as long as I have, and I really shouldn't expect to much longer.

Plus, we are having major changes in roles and structures, but we won't be told what they are. I'm guessing most likely I'll either be in the same job, or a job that sucks even more, but nothing like having to wait a month to find out what it is.

Recent policy changes that cut off overtime also remind me how empty my life is. In the past, I would work so many hours that I would be too busy to think about the hollowness of my existence, but now I have plenty of time to remind me that I have no real hobbies, few friends, and seem to be completely repulsive to members of the opposite sex. And without overtime money, I can't afford to buy crap to distract me from the meaninglessness of my life, either.

I've pretty much exhausted every avenue I can think of for dating. I don't know what's wrong with me, but evidently I should pretty much expect to die alone.

In the past, life has been a series of ups and downs - things suck, but eventually something changes and things seem better. Of late, it seems to be all downs, and every time I think I've hit bottom, something else pulls me down farther.

Yes, I know I could be a lot worse. I make enough to pay my bills, even if that's about all I can do. I'm in reasonably health. I have family that cares about me. I have a cat who seems to tolerate me, or at least fake it so I keep feeding her and cleaning her poop. Still, the things that are missing in my life - a job that doesn't make me want to punch something on a regular basis, a woman who is willing to talk to me, a night spent somewhere other than my living room - seem like things that most people are able to obtain, but seem completely out of reach for me....