mad anthony

Rants, politics, and thoughts on politics, technology, life,
and stuff from a generally politically conservative Baltimoron.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Why am I so ugly, and what can I do about it?

There's a pay dating site that I have a membership for (I had a coupon code). Let's just call it PeeHarmony. Every now and then they run promos where you can "communicate" for free, but if you aren't a paying member you can only get so far into the communication process, and non-members also can't see the pictures posted by paying members. During these promos I sneak my email address into communications so that if the person isn't a member they can get in touch with me.

I've had that happen twice recently. Both times the conversation seemed to be going OK - until they asked for a picture of me. That's the last I heard from them. And a while back I had actually met a woman in person who I had also met during a free communication event, who hadn't seen my pic but who I seemed to get along well with on the phone. Once I met her, I never heard from her again.

That makes it pretty obvious that my looks is clearly one of the major things wrong with me. Which is surprising, not because I think I'm attractive, but I figured there were many other things that are much more obviously wrong with me.

Now, I can't really blame a woman for not wanting to date someone they don't find attractive - I wouldn't either. But it does seem interesting that you will often hear women complain that all guys care about is looks, that women are more interested in things like how a man can satisfy their emotional needs or if he'd make a good father. And to that, I call bullshit.

Years ago, when I was fat, I could blame my being single on being fat. Now, I'm still a bit on chunky side (5 pounds above "normal" and into "overweight" by BMI). But it's hard to believe that if losing 95 pounds didn't make me more datable, that losing another 10 would have significant impact.

So that suggests that at least part of my lack of appeal is stuff other than weight. I did start doing a little weight training about 8 months ago in the hopes that it would help me add a little muscle and look a little better. It hasn't really made much of a difference, which means I'm either not doing enough or not pushing myself hard enough.

There are other things I can't really do anything about - I'm short, and I have a condition called Shurman's Kyphosis that gives my back a curve. AFAIK, there aren't any exercises to add height, and while back surgery is possible, it was advised against as being dangerous, painful, and not particularly effective. I also have the kind of skin that is either pale or burned. I guess I could start using spray-on tan, but I can't imagine that doing anything other than making me look even more ridiculous.

I guess I could try to dress better, although I'm not sure what that would be. I could try a new haircut, but I'm kind of limited in options because I have a small bald spot that I need to keep covered. I could lose the goatee, but I kind of like it and have had it for years - it's kind of my signature. Same with the glasses - maybe different ones would help a little, but I like my thick black frames- they are kind of hipster - and I don't want to do contacts because I suck at putting things in my eyes - I've had to be held down to get eye drops.

I've included the pics I sent the last time- if you have any suggestions, feel free to let me know what I can do to not look so repulsive. FWIW, one was taken last year in Red Rocks outside of Vegas and the other was taken last month on a hike organized by an old college roommate. I suppose I could get a friend to take different pics, but if the point is to hide flaws I don't see as being real useful - once I meet someone in person, they will know what I look like in person.


At 9:45 AM, Blogger Unknown said...


The issue is not that you are not unattractive or uninteresting. You're just going about things the wrong way.

At 10:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think that a slightly better dating site photo for you would be a lot like the bottom one, only with a closed-lips facial expression and with you looking somewhat aloofly off into the distance instead of at the camera.

For some more ideas, if you haven't seen it already, read:

At 10:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, and one last suggestion-- don't put your hands behind your back like in the bottom photo in any new pictures that you take. It makes you appear to be a bit insecure/nervous, which women generally don't find all that appealing. Try to incorporate some confident-looking body language.

At 8:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

All ya gotta fix is your teeth. Other than that you look just fine.

At 1:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel your pain. I've been on almost 100 (don't know exactly...maybe 70) "first dates" off of internet dating sites so far, and 99% of the times, I never hear from the guys. I've been single for 8 yrs now. People don't like us physically unattractive people. And we can't change them. You admitted yourself you wouldn't want to date a woman you are not attracted to. Me neither. That's just how it is. We just need to find fulfillment in othe areas of life.

At 2:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

First off, congrats on losing 95 pounds! That's an amazing achievement and nothing to belittle.

Maybe a nicer haircut would help. It's subjective, but I personally don't like a haircut on men where the hair lies slanted across the forehead. If you leave it shorter over the forehead, it looks neater and trimmer. A woman's advice: talk to a hair stylist who you have a good relationship with. :)

Like others have said, I think having a closed-lip expression for your bottom photo would help. A lot of it is the teeth and expression. You look like you're grimacing in that photo, or nervous or apprehensive.

Whereas in the top photo, you look happy and energetic.

Hope that helps. Not trying to be an asshole. I found your blog by googling "why am I ugly?" so I feel the same way. I admire your courage to open up like you have.

At 12:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It looks like you have abnormal upper and lower jaws that are out of balance with your face. You clearly have a long maxilla which causes your gummy smile and it looks like maybe your lips don't meet at rest. If you consult with an orthognathic surgeon, they will be able tell you exactly where the imbalance is. The other thing that always makes people more attractive is to not care what other people think and have confidence in yourself regardless of how imperfect you may look. It seems like you already have a good attitude and confidence.


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